Tru dat! Wiser and less sluttier LOL
I recently got out of a serious relationship and was “not excited,” (strong understatement) to find myself back in the dating world. The thought of getting back out there made me want to climb into my bed and hide under my covers… FOREVER. But, I have been pleasantly surprised with what I have discovered and realized. In fact, I think dating in your 30s is actually pretty rad! Here’s why:
You know the power of focus.
A lot of us who are single now in our 30s spent our 20s focused on building careers, traveling, or figuring out who we are and what’s important to us. Now, perhaps we have decided we’d like to focus on building a life with someone, or on having a family. I find that whatever we put our focus on is what we draw in. So, we’re much more likely to draw in the type of relationship we are looking for because we’re a lot clearer on what we want.
You see the red flags sooner and get out.
Raise your hand if you ended up investing months or years of your life in a completely dead-end relationship because you either rationalized all the red flags away or completely ignored them. (My hand is raised. High. A few times.) These relationships usually do not leave you better than they found you. Personally, I have no time for this anymore. Now, when I see the red flags early on, I don’t move forward with the guy,
You recognize your worth and value.
The reason so many women ignore or rationalize away the red flags is because they feel desperate to be in a relationship. As women, we have been trained by the media, our parents, society, culture, to believe that our worth is based solely on whether or not we’re married (especially by a certain age) or have a boyfriend. So, in our 20s, we may have behaved with a lack of self-respect or self-esteem, and acted needy and desperate in order to validate ourselves through a man. But by our 30s, we have learned to see that our true value has nothing to do with a man or being a relationship.
You know that relationships do not make or break your life.
We know that relationships are a truly amazing addition to our lives, but they do not makeour lives. By our 30s, we have created happy, full lives for ourselves, and know that we don’t need a relationship to make us whole. Plus, we’ve been through breakups and found out that, surprise, our lives didn’t actually end!
You have better sex.
We have experienced what we like in bed by now, and aren’t afraid to ask for it. Also, when we were having sex in our 20s, we were constantly worrying if our stomach fat was hanging out, or how our butt looked. By our 30s, we care less about how we look and more about just straight up enjoying it.
You know what you like and what you believe in.
We believe in past lives, we yell VERY loudly when we get excited about something, we likeStar Wars, going to bed by 10:00 p.m., and finding the perfect wine (to the point of sometimes being called a “wine snob”) and I — oops I mean, we — have no need to hide or change those aspects of ourselves. We don’t need to pretend that we are into things like camping, sports, or certain bands or food the way we we may have done in our 20s to try to get a guy to like us (it always come back to bite us in the ass anyways). We know our stance on politics, religion, and spirituality, and we don’t need to hide it or pretend otherwise. In fact, sharing certain beliefs and feelings in an open, non-judgmental way allows for a depth to develop between two people and makes for interesting and enlightening conversations.
By our 30s, we learn that we’d like to base and build a relationship on TRUTH, and if the guy doesn’t like who we are, then he’s not the right guy. As the wrongfully attributed Dr. Suess quote goes, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” (actually, a dude named Bernard M. Baruch said it).
You know which guys you can have casual sex with and which guys you can’t.
There are some guys we can be totally fine with having as a sex buddy or booty call; we know we won’t get attached and that he’s not someone we want to develop a relationship with. But then there’s the other type of guy who we could actually see something long-term with. A guy we know we could probably fall head over heels for. That guy, we can’t just have no strings attached sex with. We’ve tried that. And we’ve ended up heartbroken, feeling used, and because of it spent who knows how long off the market, which kept us from meeting a good one who actually did want a relationship with us.
You know that relationships are meant to make both people better… and that, sometimes, you shouldn’t immediately jump ship.
I believe relationships are vehicles to help each person become the highest version of themselves. And sometimes, that means there is tension, disagreement, discomfort, anger, and ego. Nothing can trigger our deep-seated fears of abandonment, rejection, and loss of freedom like love. Too often, people jump ship as soon as they are triggered. But I have learned in my 30s that if both people involved care about each other and want the highest good for themselves and their partner, you don’t jump ship at first sign of it. There may be an amazing breakthrough on the other side of it.
You believe in LOVE.
Many of us have had great relationships, but have known that for one reason or another it wasn’t right. I know both men and women who have gotten married to someone they weren’t sure was right for them or if they were in love with simply because they felt like it was time for them to do it and that they were supposed to. Many of us in our 30s who are single have had the opportunity for that kind of marriage (or perhaps, even were married), but knew in our hearts that there was so much more. There is a part deep inside of us that believes in “real, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love,” to quote the famous Carrie Bradshaw. If we didn’t, we would have settled a long time ago.
BY HOLLY SIDELL
The 5 Most Annoying Facebook Posts About Being Engaged
We live in a day and age where couples get engaged and their first thought is “I can’t wait to post on Facebook!” instead of “I can’t wait to call my friends and family!” You know it’s true. And with that territory comes status updates that are more barf-tastic than a Jared Galleria of Jewelry commercial.
I have never been proposed to (that I know of), but I imagine it’s a pretty great feeling when someone you want to marry actually asks you to marry him. And I’m truly happy for my friends (and all ladies out there!) who are entering into a lifetime of monogamy with the ones they love. But some of these statuses have to be addressed. (And if you’re offended by this entry, just call me a bitch who doesn’t know what it’s like to have found the #ManOfMyDreams, which like, is totally accurate.)
Without further ado, the five most annoying engagement statuses:
1. The BFF.
We get it. Your fiancé is your “best friend.” But like, is he REALLY? And isn’t that KIND OF a slap in the face to your female bestie(s) who was there WAY before Mr. Soulmate came along? I’m more OK with “Can’t wait to marry the love of my life,” but the best friend thing is just so 1999 Tim McGraw cheesiness. And I can’t help but wonder if those girls will be the ones who realize 10 years down the road that their only confidante is a middle-aged man with his hands down his pants watching Sportscenter. Lord help ‘em.
2. The Single Lady.
If you’re doing this to be funny and/or you’re posting a pic of you wearing your engagement ring in a Beyonce-esque leotard, then YOU. GO. GURL. But if you’re not that witty (no offense) and really thought, You know what would be clever? Quoting Beyonce’s greatest hit from 2008, then I hate to tell you that like, it’s not clever. At all.
As for acrylic French nails… I can’t even.
3. “Can’t wait to be Mrs. (Your First Name) (His Last Name)!”
Girl, why so quick to abandon your identity? Unless your last name is something like Ballsweat and his is Dicaprio or Levine, what’s the frantic countdown to the name change all about? You should be dreading it — I hear the legal stuff is a real bitch, and did you so quickly forget that you have to take a trip TO THE DMV!? Good God, hold on as long as you can.
4. The DUH.
No shit. Has anyone in the history of social media ever posted “I said no! Can’t believe that idiot proposed. We’ve only been hooking up for six months!”
(I mean, I would love to see that.)
Ladies, if you’re posting a picture of a ring on your hand crying tears of joy, we get it. I don’t go posting pics of my vacay cocktails with a caption that says, “I’m getting drunk,” do I? Some things are just implied. Plus, “I said YES!!!!!” with 903820343 exclamation points makes it seem like it’s some big shocker you agreed to marry the poor guy.
(For the record, I do think it’s kinda cute when a GUY posts “She said yes!”)
5. The Nausea Nostalgia.
I just threw up on my keyboard. First of all, if you actually thought “This is love at first sight,” that was the Jager bombs talking. Second of all, if you’re really itching to write a poetic, flowery post about your “fairy tale,” start a blog. Third of all, can we just ban the words “fairy tale” on Facebook in general?
I’d like to see: “Three years ago, I got wasted and slept with a dude on the first night and now we’re engaged. Ladies, there is hope.”
Then there are the girls that post ALL OF THE ABOVE over time. Along with pictures of the flowers their fiancés sent to their offices (#LuckiestGirlInTheWorld). Along with asking you to “vote” for where they should have their wedding reception/rehearsal dinner/honeymoon. Along with numerous “Thank you for the sweet wishes” posts designed just to remind you they’re engaged. Along with 129873120 pictures of them holding their left hands up. Ladies, we got the point after the first post. And the 17th.
This isn’t AT&T. Less is more.