Uh-oh. Break the kama sutra lolol
Question: My partner and I got together three years ago, when we were in our early 50s. We have a good sex life, apart from one thing: he’s so quiet in bed. I told him early on this made me uncomfortable, but nothing has changed. How can I stop this silence?
ANSWER: I’m never quite sure what’s more disconcerting: the partner who is extra loud in bed, or the one who’s as silent as the grave.
But volume control is a real issue in the bedroom and a couple can feel disconnected when their dials are at different levels. The great problem with a silent lover is that you’re left with little sense of whether they’re enjoying themselves, or not.
A rising tide of ‘Mmmm’ and ‘Ahhh’ is the easiest and most effective way of telling your partner that they’ve found your sweet spots. Moans are vocal cues that scream: ‘Yes, Yes, Yes!’ Without this you can begin to feel you’re taking part in a clinically controlled experiment.
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The big problem with silent lovemaking is that it’s often ingrained. A middle-aged man, such as your partner, has probably been withholding any form of vocal response for most, if not all, of his lifetime.
So, when and how did this start? Men who attended old-fashioned boarding schools were often raised to suppress noise and emotion. This repression can also result from homes where parents teach their children that sex is something that’s best hidden and not talked about.
If you grow up believing sex is shameful, it’s very hard indeed to give joyful expression to it when you’re older.
It’s also possible that your man’s early relationships involved shy partners. So he would feel it’s perfectly normal to maintain an atmosphere of sepulchral silence in the bedroom. Or perhaps he’s just one of life’s confirmed introverts.
If you can find the reasons behind your man’s silence, you’ll understand him better. More importantly, it will confirm his lack of noise has absolutely nothing to do with you – or with the degree of his arousal. Also, if you have a deep conversation about this issue, he may at last comprehend how his quietness affects you so much. Presumably it makes you quieter, too?
Also, tell your partner he doesn’t need to groan and moan like a zombie, but should give you some vocal clue of what’s good and when he’s reaching the point of no return.
It’s not much more complex than an old-fashioned game of hide and seek, where you go, ‘warm, cooler, warmer, hot, boiling’. This is just basic politeness and a gentleman should respond to your pleas.
He may well find it easier to emit a few soft moans and groans if you put some music on in the background. It’s probably the thought of his own voice resonating in the silence that mortifies him.
But it’s hard to teach a middle-aged man new tricks, as they’re often more set in their ways than women.
If your sex life is good without yelps and you love the man, don’t push him too much. For the best sex, all participants need to be in their comfort zone.