Is that a trick question?????

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright

Sexologist, Sexuality Educator, Author

Is an Orgasm Really The Best Sensation in the World?

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright

Sexologist, Sexuality Educator, Author

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Is an Orgasm Really The Best Sensation in the World?

Posted: 12/21/2013 8:45 am


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“Give Her the Best Orgasm Ever.” “12 Secrets to Better Orgasms.” “How to Have a Better Orgasm: The BEST Orgasm.” When it comes to maximizing your pleasure, the headliners don’t quit. Popular press magazines, websites and books tirelessly promise to help you have longer, stronger and multiple orgasms. Nothing is more important, with climax cast as the most coveted experience and orgiastic feeling in the world.

But is it? And should it be?

Our society is obsessed with orgasms. Peaking is supposedly the greatest sensation a human can enjoy, topping all other experiences that can be had, including the actual sex preceding this mind-blowing reaction. For some, reaching a maximum state of sexual arousal comes easily, while for others it is work, with the success of “achieving” orgasm making the experience even sweeter for some.

While I’m certainly not one to turn my nose up to an orgasm, especially the greatest of these passionate peaks, the fact that people put so much importance on orgasm, and pressure on themselves to reach it, needs to be put in perspective. Orgasm is just one of life’s many other pleasures — something people can lose sight of when they’re obsessing over their next orgasm, or a better orgasm, or a stronger orgasm, or a certain type of orgasm, or simply reaching orgasm…

So, the next time you find yourself frustrated by your quest for the all-consuming climax, or the headliners urging you to come-come-come, remember that life offers you plenty of other equally amazing experiences. Some, in fact, are simpler, sweeter and more easily attainable, like some of my favorites to date:

1. Non-stop laughing
If sexual intimacy weren’t such an important part of long-term romantic relationships, then I would’ve married one of my closest, platonic friends ages ago. Since Junior High School, this mate has had me howling with laughter in no time, and for what feels like forever. This kind of can’t-catch-my-breath moment, with anyone, can’t happen enough.

2. A child’s hug
Nothing feels more perfect or better than having your little one’s arms and legs wrapped tightly around you, head buried in your neck. The world becomes still and peaceful and full of love.

3. Rolling over and sleeping in
Who hasn’t had that absolutely delicious moment of waking up, drunk with drowsiness, only to learn that you can go back to sleep — and at your leisure? It’s even sweeter when you’re completely warm and cozy.

4. Quenching a thirst
And we’re talking pure, clean water here. Nothing rehydrates better than water, especially when your body craves it. You’ve been there and know how good gulping can be.

5. Sinking into a warm bath after being out in the bitter cold
Perhaps the best part of being outside in frigid temperatures is the experience of warming up inside. A nice bath or hot tub dip is often the perfect way to get the blood flowing again.

6. Receiving some unexpected financial help
Whether it’s for a birthday or holiday, an unforeseen inheritance or a bill found on the street, getting a small or large chunk of change can have you smiling in no time. This burst of elation is one to soak in, especially if the money comes at a critical time.

7. Burying yourself in nice clean, fresh sheets
Simply said for a simple pleasure: It feels heavenly to sink yourself into newly washed, dryer-warmed sheets.

8. Feeling your partner from head to toe, skin-on-skin
Being pressed up against your beloved, with or without the expectation of more intimacy, wrapped in each other’s arms, is one of those few things that make us forget that the rest of the world exists.

9. The high of having had a good workout
Whether you met your half hour goal on the treadmill or beat your own best time for a marathon, pushing your body and releasing the endorphins can be addictive.

10. Learning that the person you’re in love with loves you too
Suddenly, everything in the world feels right when two people exchange “I love you.”

11. Accomplishing something huge
Whether you’ve wrapped up a major project, are graduating or are being made the offer of a lifetime, the thrill that comes along with working hard, and being recognized for it, is the ultimate head rush.

Admittedly, nothing is exactly like a climax, nor should it be. But should other life pleasures be ranked any less worthy when it comes to ranking intense sensations and moments? After all, many of the descriptors I used are those often used to describe sexual response and pleasure. Sexual release has a lot in common with life’s finer things.

So, the next time you’re feeling the pressure to have an orgasm, or have more orgasms, or have a certain type of orgasm… remember that life offers you many forms of bliss. The vast majority of these have nothing to do with being sexually active, as I’m sure you know. Do you have faves to add to my list?


Single this Holiday season? Don’t fret!!

Top 10 Tips for Surviving and Thriving Over the Holidays Without Relatives or a Partner

Author of American Circumstance and Fiction as Research Practice

Holidays are touted as a time for family. Commercials, made-for-television movies and the images we see throughout popular culture and our own communities all reinforce that happy holidays are spent around a large dining room table with extended family, or snuggling up by the fire with your special someone. But what if for any number of reasons — geography, the high cost of holiday travels, rifts — you aren’t with relatives? And what if you don’t have a partner or you’re not able to spend the holidays with him or her? Are you doomed to misery? Hogwash! There are lots of ways to enjoy the holidays on your own or with friends. Here are my top 10 tips.

1. Host a party for strays: Chances are, you’re not the only person in your network on your own. Find out what your co-workers, classmates, friends and neighbors are doing. If there are others who are on their own, host a get-together. You can do this the day of any major holiday, or do a pre or post-holiday event and invite more people. My bestie hosts an annual low-key turkey-chili party (could sub tofu-chili) and another friend has a “friendsgiving” leading up to a more traditional family-centered Thanksgiving.

2. Volunteer: This is always a stellar way to use your time. Soup kitchens are especially busy at the holidays and this is a great way to receive for yourself in the act of giving to others.

3. Take a vacation: If you can afford it, go on a vacation. Good choices might include a beach vacation or spa where you can relax on your own, an activity-based trip such as rock climbing, or a singles cruise if you’re looking to mingle. If you can afford a vacation that doesn’t involve air travel, check-out bed and breakfast options within two hours from you. This is a great way to have a homey feeling over the holidays with just the right amount of pampering.

4. Learn or try something new: No doubt, there’s something you always wanted to learn how to do but you just haven’t had the time, like writing, painting, jewelry-making, learning how to do home repairs, yoga, website building, and so on. Perhaps you secretly dream about writing the great American novel or a screenplay or an episode of your favorite television show. It doesn’t matter what comes of it, use this time as a chance to dabble in something new.

5. Make care packages for loved ones: If you’re missing your loved ones, take some time and get creative. There are lots of simple, inexpensive DIY care packages you can put together. Sending care packages will take up some of your time in a positive way, puts the emphasis on the love that is in your life (even if you’re not physically with your loved ones) and shows the people in your life how much you care. Homemade cookies, potpourri sachets and holiday ornaments are all inexpensive and relatively easy to make. Search the Internet for more ideas or just got for a handmade card.

6. Movie marathon: Always a fun use of some time off. Pick a genre or director you’re interested in and see as much as you can. This also gives you something interesting to talk about when you return to work.

7. Early spring cleaning: We often feel better when our space is clean and organized. If you have extra time over the holidays this is a great way to use it, improve your environment and foster a sense of accomplishment.

8. Learn to cook or bake (or push yourself to learn more): Cooking can be fun, cathartic and a productive way to use up extra time. Check out cooking shows on television or look online for new recipes. If you’re worried about cooking for one, don’t be. This is a great way to treat yourself with yummy holiday food and prep a freezer full of portion-controlled meals for after the holidays.

9. Call your loved ones: Whoever the people are you wish you could be with, whether they are relatives, a long-distance partner or your close friends, skip the impersonal emailing and texting and go the old-fashioned route. Pick up the phone, dial 1, and call the people who matter most. This is a way to stay connected and let love into your life even when separated by distances.

10. Work: If you’re really dreading spending the holidays on your own, volunteer to work over the holidays. You can fill your time, earn some money and relieve a co-worker who may want to celebrate the holidays. If it’s not possible to work at your job over the holidays, there are things you can do from home. Remember extra credit in school? Well, what kind of extra credit can you do for your job? Perhaps you can come up with a new idea to share with your co-workers after the holidays? If your work doesn’t lend itself to “home-work” then you can always catch up on emails or even household bills.


Why Dating in Your 30’s is Way Better Than Dating in Your 20’s

Tru dat! Wiser and less sluttier LOL

I recently got out of a serious relationship and was “not excited,” (strong understatement) to find myself back in the dating world. The thought of getting back out there made me want to climb into my bed and hide under my covers… FOREVER. But, I have been pleasantly surprised with what I have discovered and realized. In fact, I think dating in your 30s is actually pretty rad! Here’s why:

You know the power of focus.
A lot of us who are single now in our 30s spent our 20s focused on building careers, traveling, or figuring out who we are and what’s important to us. Now, perhaps we have decided we’d like to focus on building a life with someone, or on having a family. I find that whatever we put our focus on is what we draw in. So, we’re much more likely to draw in the type of relationship we are looking for because we’re a lot clearer on what we want.

You see the red flags sooner and get out.
Raise your hand if you ended up investing months or years of your life in a completely dead-end relationship because you either rationalized all the red flags away or completely ignored them. (My hand is raised. High. A few times.) These relationships usually do not leave you better than they found you. Personally, I have no time for this anymore. Now, when I see the red flags early on, I don’t move forward with the guy,

You recognize your worth and value.
The reason so many women ignore or rationalize away the red flags is because they feel desperate to be in a relationship. As women, we have been trained by the media, our parents, society, culture, to believe that our worth is based solely on whether or not we’re married (especially by a certain age) or have a boyfriend. So, in our 20s, we may have behaved with a lack of self-respect or self-esteem, and acted needy and desperate in order to validate ourselves through a man. But by our 30s, we have learned to see that our true value has nothing to do with a man or being a relationship.

You know that relationships do not make or break your life. 
We know that relationships are a truly amazing addition to our lives, but they do not makeour lives. By our 30s, we have created happy, full lives for ourselves, and know that we don’t need a relationship to make us whole. Plus, we’ve been through breakups and found out that, surprise, our lives didn’t actually end!

You have better sex.
We have experienced what we like in bed by now, and aren’t afraid to ask for it. Also, when we were having sex in our 20s, we were constantly worrying if our stomach fat was hanging out, or how our butt looked. By our 30s, we care less about how we look and more about just straight up enjoying it.

You know what you like and what you believe in. 
We believe in past lives, we yell VERY loudly when we get excited about something, we likeStar Wars, going to bed by 10:00 p.m., and finding the perfect wine (to the point of sometimes being called a “wine snob”) and I — oops I mean, we — have no need to hide or change those aspects of ourselves. We don’t need to pretend that we are into things like camping, sports, or certain bands or food the way we we may have done in our 20s to try to get a guy to like us (it always come back to bite us in the ass anyways). We know our stance on politics, religion, and spirituality, and we don’t need to hide it or pretend otherwise. In fact, sharing certain beliefs and feelings in an open, non-judgmental way allows for a depth to develop between two people and makes for interesting and enlightening conversations.

By our 30s, we learn that we’d like to base and build a relationship on TRUTH, and if the guy doesn’t like who we are, then he’s not the right guy. As the wrongfully attributed Dr. Suess quote goes, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” (actually, a dude named Bernard M. Baruch said it).

You know which guys you can have casual sex with and which guys you can’t.
There are some guys we can be totally fine with having as a sex buddy or booty call; we know we won’t get attached and that he’s not someone we want to develop a relationship with. But then there’s the other type of guy who we could actually see something long-term with. A guy we know we could probably fall head over heels for. That guy, we can’t just have no strings attached sex with. We’ve tried that. And we’ve ended up heartbroken, feeling used, and because of it spent who knows how long off the market, which kept us from meeting a good one who actually did want a relationship with us.

You know that relationships are meant to make both people better… and that, sometimes, you shouldn’t immediately jump ship. 
I believe relationships are vehicles to help each person become the highest version of themselves. And sometimes, that means there is tension, disagreement, discomfort, anger, and ego. Nothing can trigger our deep-seated fears of abandonment, rejection, and loss of freedom like love. Too often, people jump ship as soon as they are triggered. But I have learned in my 30s that if both people involved care about each other and want the highest good for themselves and their partner, you don’t jump ship at first sign of it. There may be an amazing breakthrough on the other side of it.

You believe in LOVE.
Many of us have had great relationships, but have known that for one reason or another it wasn’t right. I know both men and women who have gotten married to someone they weren’t sure was right for them or if they were in love with simply because they felt like it was time for them to do it and that they were supposed to. Many of us in our 30s who are single have had the opportunity for that kind of marriage (or perhaps, even were married), but knew in our hearts that there was so much more. There is a part deep inside of us that believes in “real, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love,” to quote the famous Carrie Bradshaw. If we didn’t, we would have settled a long time ago.


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